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Salut du mois d'octobre en France! Thank you for your continued prayers as I trust in and wait on the Lord, growing more and more into His likeness.
Praises
A month of big questions and therefore big spiritual growth
Sweet ministry relationships and opportunities with Younglife, the college ministry, and the middle schoolers at my church
My "family" here - my housemates :)
Talking with students on campus and doing Cru’s Perspective Cards with them
Settling into healthy living patterns: prioritizing physical health! Eating well and exercising a lot — I’ve been biking, climbing, hiking, and I take ballet once a week
Prayers
Discernment with certain decisions regarding church and ministry
When to speak and when to stay silent & pray
Balancing next steps while living in the present
Camps coming up in the spring - a ski camp with Younglife and a Music Camp with the Torchbearers center
Giving the talk for our Thanksgiving event in two weeks
(roll over photos to see captions)
So much has happened in my heart this past October that I won’t be able to put words to, (which means this update is ironically a little longer), but I’d love to give you all a peek at what God has been doing because it’s pretty cool.
Starting my senior year of high school and then into college, I saw the value and need for serving the Lord— it was the “completion” of this circle of learning, applying, then teaching/serving/discipling. The past few years I have absolutely loved serving: from the Christian dude ranch and other camps I’ve worked at, to helping with children’s ministry at church, to serving my family and friends. I’ve been tendering and watering this “plant” of service, telling myself, “I’m here to serve.”
This past fall, the Lord in his ability to multiply his purposes has used some dynamics in our ministry to shake this plant, making me realize that it's roots were not in good soil.
This semester I have been biking and working out a lot more, which has been so needed and I’m thankful for this outlet. On one of my rides a month ago, I brought my journal and sat for a bit in prayer. As I was writing, I realized, “Right now, this “plant” of service is withering and a bit grey because it’s been planted in shame and self-worth. It needs to be uprooted and replanted in Jesus so it can be green & healthy. I think this means remembering why I'm made...”, I wrote, and I began searching His word for why He created us:
“…everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed & made."
Is. 43:7 — He made us for His glory
“…for you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light... and find out what pleases the Lord"
Eph 5:8-10
"But only one thing is needed. Many has chosen What is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:42
Even though I had the “head” knowledge and answers to these questions, my heart was so far from Him! The Lord gently began to reveal even deeper realities of how I have been walking with Him: that I’ve been doing things because I feel like I “have to” or I “should"; that if I’m not uncomfortable and “suffering” then I’m not correctly walking out my faith.
It’s as if my heart has been covered in algae — these desires to serve are pure but are hidden by a layer of clumpy, slimy algae of shame. Shame and worth have been motivating my service, and though it’s been a healthy act, it hasn’t been Jesus.
I concluded my entry with “I don’t think we were made to serve Him, but to love & know Him. I was made to serve too, yes…” and I hopped back on my bike as I was trying to reconcile my head knowledge with my heart.
As the weeks went on, I realized that my understanding of love was twisted. I had been asking the Lord questions such as, well what is my purpose then, if not to serve? Why did He make us then?
This past weekend I went on a backpacking trip (which was very needed and refreshing in so many ways).
Our last morning, we decided to spend 2 hours of quiet time (“temps spi” - “temps spirituelle” in French) with the Lord. The night before I had asked my friends, as we gazed at the Milky Way, why they thought God created us. And so I asked God that question during my quiet time as the sun began to rise.
I suddenly started tearing up; more so than why He created us, why does he love us? For why would He even want to create us in the first place?
What is there in me to love? If all I bring to Him is but dirty rags, why does He love me? If I can’t serve Him, if I can’t do anything for Him, why does He still love me? In that moment I realized that it was as if my whole understanding of why I’m loved was being uprooted, shaken, and replanted. It’s not the “plant of service” - it’s my whole heart and conception of why God would ever die for such a broken person if I could give nothing back. If I was not made to serve, then what was I made for? And as I looked at the proud rocks and rays of sun pushing through their crevices, I realized I was made to walk in the garden with God. He literally just wants to be with me. I don’t understand it at all. I’m so prideful and selfish and angry and full of hurts and covered in scars. I’m unpleasant and annoying. Why would He want to walk with me? Here I stand on the side of this impressive mass that he made, questioning all of it. I’m not in denial of his love — Jesus is evidence! I just don’t understand why.
This past week I've seen that if I continue to live my life out of obligation and shame, I will not be stepping into the fullness of God's grace & love. He made me to worship Him, to adore Him, to spend time with Him. I serve Him and I step into challenges because of and out of this love, not out of feeling like I should or I have to. I'm not denying/taking into the consideration the fact that sometimes we do things we don't feel like doing, because this is not based on feelings, but on knowledge, the knowledge that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ Jesus. My worth is in his love which was demonstrated on the cross. Jesus did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. I do not have to work or serve to be loved, but I do so because I am. I think it’s going to take a bit to rewire & work & understand this, but I'm thankful for these past 6 weeks of revelation and deepening my understanding of why we serve, why He made us, and just how much He loves us.
And honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how much he loves us.
(a few more bivouac pictures :)
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