.png)
*This post is reflecting on November 27th - December 15th.
I talked about disappointment in God in my last post. Why was I disappointed? Because God did not answer my prayers in the way I thought He would, because He's been putting me in a place of discomfort that I really didn't want Him to. Reading between the lines, you'll see that I was disappointed in God not because I was upset at my situation, but because He is in control and I am not. I said I was not angry with God, but I've come to realize that I actually have been angry with God, I think for a lot of my life. To be absolutely transparent, trusting those who are reading this, I have been angry at God for being God, and me not. This is of course not a truth of who He made me, as His spirit lives in me and I surrender and praise Him in humility. But when I fall back into my flesh, that deep seed of anger is there. For the past few years, I thought I was angry at people who had hurt me, or situations, or men. And while facing these were deep, the deepest sin was that I have never really admitted that God is God, and he is in control, not me. And I was angry at those people because I could not control them, because I saw myself as a "little god."
You may be wondering how all of this relates to France and what I'm doing, what circumstances brought these realizations to the light. France is a spiritually tough and dark country. And even when I was in the depths of culture shock, spiritual darkness, and logistical chaos in October, I still believed that God had me. But it was not until I saw my mom again that I really released and realized that. With that space of comfort, the "fight or flight" mode was deactivated a bit, and this sin I've been lugging around for years really came to the light as I was just, angry. The reality is that this anger does nothing for creating any sense of control — I stubbornly push forward thinking that if I "protect" myself and have "control" because I am angry, then I will be safe.
So now what... because for so long I really have released control in situations, but soon after whipped it back into my hands. When I have done this, I have believed that I am not worth love, when I am actually in a place of great acceptance. And by acceptance, I mean just freely letting God love me. Not equating my past anger at Him with the inability to be loved, but instead just reminding myself that I am worthy of love not because of what I've done, but because of what He did. Nothing in me is worth it, but yet He still pursues and chases me and upholds me with such tenderness.
I was made for freedom, which means releasing control to God.
Lord, this life is yours. And if I have to say it again in two minutes, so be it. But right here right now, my life is yours and I do not need to worry or be anxious about controlling any outcomes, because I can’t, and I never could.
Pick me up out of this illusion of control that I have lived in for too long. May your loving kindness continue to pursue me and uphold me.
May I believe that what happens in my life is not to harm me, but for my good. Even if it truly is harmful, God, you redeem. You make all things work for your good, help me see that. Give me your eyes that I may see the good; not in an ignorant way, but a courageous peace.
I proclaim all of this as I step into a new living situation on December 14th. (After the apartment in St. Germain de Près, I moved into the hotel with my mom when she visited for 10 days.)
Back in November, one of the teachers in my school offered for me to live with her, as her only child at home starting in January would be her daughter. I graciously took it into consideration, but continued to pursue opportunities in Paris as that was the "plan", and the city genuinely started to feel like home (yay). As I moved forward with the housing search in Paris, nothing very clear was coming together. The housing process is slow and I had already taken much time searching for a two bedroom apartment, only for my planned roommate to change her mind. I switched gears beginning of November and began searching for a one bedroom or studio. I toured a couple, spoke with some, and never heard back from many. Two or three apartments were "possibly available" (it's all a game of waiting to hear back from the owner, will they accept my documents, etc), it did not seem wise to continue in the fog of apartment possibilities. And even if the apartments do accept me, will they make financial sense.
A few days into living in the hotel with my mom, I decided to move in with the Tallec family, and embrace every beauty and new adventure that came with that decision. They live 3 minutes from the schools I work at in Le Plessis-Bouchard, about 40 minutes outside of Paris.
While living in the suburbs is not what I thought would happen in my move to France, I am so excited to accept this new amazing adventure and reminder that God is in control, not me. And while I was praying for a home of Christian encouragement or maybe a place where I could invite people of faith into my home, I think God made it evident in many ways that He wanted me with this family.
I move today, and I am releasing any expectations, but jumping all into loving my new French family!
My mom came!
My last few days in the apartment in St. Germain de Près were so lovely and I tried to soak in every moment. Then, I packed everything up, left it in the apartment, and met my mom in London! We spent a day in the city, saw Mary Poppins, and then enjoyed the countryside. When we returned to Paris, I moved into the hotel with my mom whoo whoo! Very thankful to have had this ability. We quickly became friends with the front desk staff, of whom I will be returning soon to say bonjour. I loved being with my mom. Her heart for the people God has created is so evident in her manner of speaking and intentional questions. It was a wonderful Christmas present. It is so humbling being able to live out her prayers — for the people of the world to know Jesus. I'm not sure why God chose me and not her to walk in another country and language, but I do know that it is because of her walk with the Lord and wisdom that I am filled.
Also, I have been having difficulty writing in English as my thoughts are being expressed differently as a result of diving into French, so, I apologize if things are not communicated with a sharp clarity. 😅
Comments