What "Should" I do?

It has been so odd to have routine, to have my clothes stay put, to now know where the spoons go and where to find the hot chocolate. (Tbh, dinner time is still a mystery). And I am so thankful for this routine, I am not complaining, in fact I am rejoicing in the fact that it's bizarre for me to have this consistency, as I went through a couple months of training in how to be flexible and trust that God was in control.

Lots of Commuting!

Now that God has taken me to this place of surrendering control, he is asking me to surrender further as I confront my idol of "should". What I mean by an idol of "should" is how often I let preconceived ideas about what I "should" be doing with my time, my resources, my degree, and my skills, impede on how God may be already working. For example, "I live so close to Paris, I should be going there on my days off and taking advantage of the culture at museums and exhibits and shows." "I should start a good career, one that will be rational with good benefits." Or, with a more inward scope, "I love and miss the outdoors; I should move back home and find a job there, or at least try and find an outdoors job in France." And while taking any of these things into consideration is good and wise, I found that when I put what I ought to be doing above what God was already doing, I felt nervous and empty.

Because of the overwhelming amount of things I could do: apply for this job or that masters, go to this museum or that town, build a relationship with this friend or that family, I realized that none of it mattered if it was without God. I saw that my soul, which feels with such depth, will never be truly fulfilled by those experiences/jobs, so I went to a place of such great surrender and excitement as I now seek God alone for direction and fulfillment. It is still a daily surrender: as I weigh out next year, I continue to step forward knowing that God will sustain me whether in a city again or back in the mountains. It now seems so silly to stress about needing to see or do or apply to all these things that will never fill me like God will. Trying to rush a day trip into existence suddenly seemed so shallow if, for example, it was just with the purpose to "see it".

Most of January was without sun: the February 1st sunrise was such a gift

It is purpose that is the answer to the "should" debacle. I have deeply realized how God made us with a purpose as I see many of my fellow assistants leaving France. This is a tough program in so many ways, but I personally think that one of the toughest parts, even beyond the housing and bureaucratic nightmares, is the fact that it does not give much purpose. It seems that those who succeed are those who get involved in the local culture, maybe not "giving back", but stepping out beyond themselves and making connections that bring meaning. This program puts an emphasis on the fact that we are merely language assistants, not teachers, and we should be using this time to explore France and Europe. I am thankful that I stepped into lesson planning and being more of a teacher (I say as I think about what class will look like if I am still sick tomorrow), because we were not made to be tourists for eight months. Maybe this is just me, but if I spent all of my time taking pictures, taking in the food, taking in the culture, what would I be giving? I am still an advocate of cultural exchange and experience, but I believe that long or short term excursions need purpose because we were made with purpose.

Well ok. How can I step into this now? The daily question. As I ask the Lord what steps are next, both in the next week and the next life step, I am processing through what I prioritize. I doodled a little visual on the train to help me process what I value. I started by putting God in the middle, because from Him everything flows. In this "lull" from many commitments, (oh how my high school and college planners were so full!), I realize how deeply I want God to be why I do everything, and then secondly how I want to serve. What does serving look like? Is it working on a service oriented ranch like I did in 2021, or is it how I interact in an office?

The third circle; relationships. I am learning how even the prettiest places don’t compare to being present with the people you love and sharing those places with them.

I still really enjoy and value traveling and exploring alone — I am just realizing that places are more beautiful with human connection, which is why I have also found that I prioritize authentic and meaningful experiences above something touristy where the experience itself will be stressful and overwhelming.

Not that those places aren’t important to see, but I will be more refreshed and feel more accomplished if I connect with the person next with me, not if I jam-packed myself with the herd to see Mona Lisa.

The last circles are different but go hand in hand. I have always loved beautiful things and creating beautiful spaces. The Lord is asking me to grow in this area, as I definitely used to be fulfilled if the space around me was "aesthetic" and brought me visual joy.

It's funny how being surrounded by so much beauty has taken me to a place of great surrender. By this I mean that I would much rather be with my God, serving Him, than any day in a cultural place or beautiful building or experience. Being an easily overwhelmed person, thinking of all the places I could or should see, knowing I will never get to it all, has actually pushed me to surrender as I release cultural fulfillment to the Lord. It has brought me to see Godly beauty in the everyday, knowing that if I never see a beautiful museum or performance or garden again, Gods beauty will be with me and before me and around me. Just because I did not see something with my own eyes does not mean I am deprived of the depth of elegance and magnificence.

Current Thoughts on next Year:

• I am applying to masters degrees in Paris, and I also applied to renew my language assistant contract. This is so I can have a visa to support me being back in Paris next year to continue what God has started. If this is the case, I will come home mid-May to see family (!!yay!), renew my visa, and make money to support another year in France.

• If this ends up not being where God leads, whether that be me not getting into graduate school or him opening up a door back in the states, then I will probably stay a bit longer in France to take advantage of my time here :)

Musee Carnavalet: Underrated!

Prayer Requests:

• Continued wisdom in listening to the Lord with the next year; that he would direct my path not only situationally but also that I would know in my heart the next steps.

• And on that note, prayers for how to communicate with the relationships I am suddenly building. **This is cool!** Church has been tough to get involved in ever since I arrived. I continued to go to church and feel alone, text the few people I knew and they weren't there that Sunday... so I visited the small Evangelical church in Le Plessis-Bouchard where I live now and decided I was going to get involved there, only to get an email from Hillsong saying auditions for the worship team were open! I went and auditioned this past Saturday, February 18th. I am not quite sure if I made it yet, but I am so thankful that I was able to make some connections. Maybe God was having me wait until I was truly surrendered. But at this point, I will probably only be here until May if God is calling me back next year. So prayers for sweet connection in a short 3 months!

• The family I am living with, that the seeds planted here would grow, that they would come to know Jesus. I have been able to have a few conversations about faith with them — pray that walls would be knocked down as they view faith as "religion", and France historically has been very hurt by religion and the Church.

• Spiritual revival here in Paris, that this ancient city would be shaken, that the darkness would slide off of the roots of the city so the light can take hold.

Me and Margaret, a Hope student studying here! She's awesome and loves the Lord yayy

Some other things I am learning and doing:

• Emotions and language - it is really hard to understand French when someone is mad at me, and it is also hard to speak when I am angry. It is also hard to understand someone when I feel mocked. I speak French best with people who I feel safe around. An interesting the play between emotions and language comprehension.

• It's been cool to open my eyes to true life in France, what most people experience — this suburban, commuting, not glamorous lifestyle. Simple.

• In January I said, "God I'm ready to jump in again - I've taken a step back the past month and a half as I've gone on airplane mode, but I'm ready to jump into the deep again relationship wise." Trusting the Lord with the people He is leading me to build a relationship with! Now that my basic needs are more settled, I can step into the complexities of being a human.

At the Opéra; it was so so beautiful