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An update from February in Grenoble (and Praz de Lys!) This was a jam-packed month, so grab a cup of coffee if you have a bit more time for this update :)
Prayers:
The 48 kids I was able to love on and get to know at ski camp, but specifically the 8 girls in my cabin. One night we had prayer stations and I took home their prayer cards; a lot of them wrote that they want to worry less about what other's thought about them, so prayers for this generation that they would be free in Jesus
My closing months at the FEU ministry, that I would walk in wisdom and discernment
My thesis, for continued motivation
Next steps - this summer at Camp des Cimes, and then wisdom and guidance for next year
Praises:
The Lord’s faithfulness throughout a long and tiring month
Being encouraged after ski camp — seeing this next generation in France wanting to seek and know Jesus, as well as being encouraged in the gifts the Lord has given me in sensitivity
The support of my community here in France and back in the States; I know there is a great cloud of witnesses that comes before the Lord on my behalf and I am so thankful
Harry Potter Night with the middle schoolers at church/ goofing off with the roommates
February was very full: full of lessons and hurts that brought me closer to Jesus. Starting at the end of January, I was not sleeping well, waking up multiple times a night from dreams that felt quite real. I felt pressed and pushed from every side and was frustrated because, other than not sleeping well, I was “doing everything I should” to be healthy: exercising a lot, eating well, and engaging in healthy community, yet my body was still anxious.
Though I was frustrated, I tried to give my body and mind more grace. I knew guilting and shaming myself for struggling would only leave me deeper in the hole, but God's mercy and grace would lead me out. This period drew me into a daily surrender before the Lord as I was exhausted. I set a bedtime and morning routine, waking up at 7 not only to get my body up and going, but also to immediately get into the Word. I have always been a routine oriented person, but the past few years I have been trying to not let routine and rhythm determine my sense of safety and comfort. It's therefore been sweet to re-learn that routine is good and needed, that my driver for discipline is faith and not a fear to need everything be in order.
I had two hard conversations with friends that I immediately took before the Lord and asked Him to show me my sin, to show me what I need to repent. Because I had not been sleeping well, I didn’t have the margin to “categorize” these conversations, and I went into a deeper place of trust as I cried out to the Lord to just hold me. At this point I was feeling quite homesick, and wondering why God calls the least likely of people to face things I felt like I was not “created” to face: I cried out to Him, wondering why He made me so sensitive, to show me what it looks like to walk in wisdom and discernment with the heart He’s given me.
Here are some of the verses I had written in my journal during this time:
Let us examine our ways and test them. Lamentations 3:40
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, my covenant of peace be removed.
Isaiah 54:10
Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name… You, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; show your strength on behalf of your servant.”
Psalm 86:11,15-16
By mid February, I was homesick for heaven more than anything. I felt like I was capturing lies and thoughts minute by minute, and my body and mind were tired.
My pastor’s family had so graciously offered for me to sleep at their house and I took them up on it, which was a huge blessing. (And they live right down the street, so I didn’t have to go far!)
I was really trusting the Lord with whatever was going on because the last week in February I was a counselor at a ski camp, and I knew it was going to be exhausting. So I was thankful for a week out of my room and in a cozy family home where my mind really did start to rest more.
God often seems to absolutely drain me before big things where He needs me to be fully reliant and surrendered before Him, so I stepped into the camp with my hands open.
I really struggle with wanting to be helpful and useful, to be a reliable member of a team, to be a loyal team player, but out of my own pride, not out of God’s grace in using me. And so last week was a sweet reminder that I am, and also am not needed. Oh the paradox of our life here on this earth!
The first few days at camp were rough: I was beyond exhausted and by Tuesday I remember thinking, “oh my… it’s only Tuesday…”
I had also done something to my wrist (hoping it's just bad tendinitis), so I was not able to grab things very well. The team of counselors gave me so much grace and let me skip things, filling in the gaps and holes I left when I went to my room to sleep. (Monday afternoon I slept 4 hours!) It was frustrating because I knew we were all tired, so I really came before the Lord and asked Him to show me where to “buck up” and when to say “I can’t.” The Lord protected me from the enemy’s lies of “it’s always me, I’m a burden, etc” because I am what I am, this is who God made me, and I’m not going to shame myself for needing extra space and margin.
I’ve been wondering why God made me so sensitive, why emotions take up so much space, why my mind needs to process and analyze everything… and I saw at this camp a first step of how to walk in this gift and not fall into it’s “sinful side.” I breathed in the Lord’s presence and made sure I took some time to be alone, even if it meant missing a few minutes at dinner or of free time. I was able to listen and see the camper’s needs and apprehensions: I began to see one of my “roles” for the week being advocating for the campers who had the ski level to do hard runs, but were maybe a little scared. It can be frustrating to want to do hard things, but not have the support and grace to do it slowly. Plus the first few days were quite foggy, which is inherently scary for anyone as you can barely see anything!
The first few days were cozy with good snow but very flat light and low visibility
It was sweet to press into my gifts of being with people one on one, and I felt like I was able to walk more fully and confidently in my gifts of discernment and encouragement. I didn’t feel pressure to “do it all”, but to walk in how God has made me, more sensitive and aware, and use that for His glory instead of shaming myself for not being able to handle the bigger group things. And the team trusted me to walk this out with wisdom and not take advantage of them, which was a balm to my heart to feel trusted in this way. My vulnerability and honesty with my cabin about where I was mentally/emotionally/tiredness gave them the opportunity to not only love on me, but also open up a bit more in our Cabin Time. It is so humbling to let the church be the church and support each other in our weaknesses.
I really pressed into the truth that I was serving God alone, and because I was listening to Him, I would be right where I was supposed to be. All the thoughts of “I’m not doing my part” could slip away as I stepped into the grace and reality that I’m human, and can’t do everything well. It was humbling to know that I legitimately couldn’t be helpful because I didn’t understand the culture and functionings of the camp. (Praise God that even though I was tired, my French was still understandable!)
A very beautiful, sunny Friday with fresh pow!
It was so cool to put into action all that God has been teaching me, to use this training "in the field", to see what it looks like to listen to Him alone and walk in His presence. A month of exhaustion, but a month of sweet depth with my Savior. Oh how humbling to learn how weak I am, but be able to point to God's strength.
It also really encouraged me for my next steps; even though I don’t have a clear path, I saw this week how beautiful it is to use the outdoors/outdoor activities to bring out conversations about Christ. Advocating for the campers, helping them ski, seeing them overcome fears… it was so cool. Plus! Being truly in the mountains and out of the city was a huge blessing.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support, I am so blessed by the church body and God's love through all of you!
tired counselors/crime scene/me next to the "empress"
The theme for the week was inspired by the Count of Monte Cristo, and so our skits and the talks were based in this time period and around "vengeance." This brought up really good conversations with the campers on how to forgive, and gave a powerful platform to share about what Jesus did for us and how he's forgiven us. In the "imaginary world", I was the empress (because she was murdered on day 3 and that meant I didn't have to talk anymore hah).
And if you’re still with me, here’s a list of “moments forts” or “impactful moments” at camp.
As many of you know, camp is a week of compressed intense moments where big things seem to happen every hour. So I wanted to just share a few: (I’ve given the kids letters not names)
conversation with M. after he lost his ski (we literally waited in the snow for an hour bc he couldn’t ski w one ski). He really opened up and told me how he was just feeling like one bad thing keeps happening after another - his poor health, him stopping school because he was being bullied and then he was having panic attacks when he’d try to go to school, and how he felt like his parents weren’t getting it and supporting him
Helping A. ski down - her overcoming her fear in the fog and on a blue run, then after that her telling another counselor that she really wants to take her faith seriously
Praying with Al., that the bullying at school would not shake the fact that she is loved and seen in Christ— realizing she might not know His words —asking her if she has a Bible, then giving her a Bible
My testimony touching A. (Lots of A names haha) - praying for a time where we would be able to talk more about that
J. crying with me, even if I didn’t know why; this was a big thing because she isn’t vulnerable and didn’t share much
The joy in L. and A. - what a blessing it was for me to see their faith and the spirit in them
M. getting hurt and being frustrated with how it was handled but being able to not my emotions get the best of me in stressful situations
Seeing how, on the night where Hugo, the speaker, shared the Gospel, the highschool boys listened so well and supported each other so sweetly
Little French cars never cease to amaze me/the view from our chalet/the view of Mt Blanc