There's Somehow More Rope

**This post was meant to be published November 20th, covering what had happened since November 10th, so things have changed since then! I have just been struggling to sit down sift through the little notes I make when I am trying to process something.

Last week (November 8th), I was on the phone with my mom and I remember saying, "I was at the end of my rope when I came here, I don't understand how there's more rope!"

God.

That's it. He continued to add length to this rope, asking me to hold onto Him as I rappel blindly into his plan for me. He continues to bless and uphold me as I struggle to get out of bed, but do so knowing God will meet me.

Journal from this past May

And to be transparent, I was reluctant to do this move. I remember writing this about the Tapif program back in May —

I feel so discouraged and disheartened, but able to work on faithfully stepping forward. I am numb and anxious, but am able to work on not becoming angry and more annoyed as I am anxious.

And I am not angry… but. Disappointed with God. I remember this actually being part of my fear in doing this program — what if God disappoints me and … my faith is shattered?

Well. I’m here to say, my faith is stronger than ever. I am no less disappointed, wearily looking to God, wondering why (knowing why) He has not answered my biggest request: housing. It’s always been a struggle for me — at sleepovers, I would hawk over my bag, making sure all my special things and clothes and needs were safe before I could join the group. I remember convincing myself I could backpack because my home was the backpack.

I thought I was at the end of my rope when I arrived in Paris - weary and honestly not really even wanting to come (the mountain girl in me was really fighting hard). I have, for the past 6 weeks, been blessed beyond measure in countless ways - a place to stay, food, and community here and at home. I have been reminding myself that “Yay it’s an adventure” and “Wow, I am growing so much”... but I'm tired. Is it ok to ask God to stop growing me? Is it ok that I am still stepping forward in faith yet so ready to hide in bed all day? (And still sleep well the next night). And this situation isn’t even that crazy! It is… and it isn’t. I think of the suppleness of the human spirit and vivacity of its elasticity.

How is it healthy for this adrenaline to pump through me nonstop, God I can’t do this! And I continue to say “But you can. But you can. I am weak. You are strong. I am empty. Fill me.” And oh am I empty. You know when you go through those periods of life where EVERY verse is applicable and every verse speaks to you? That’s how empty I am. It is so cool and also so draining. But how can any one person stay in this place for this long…?

Then I remember I've been doing this … I’ve been in this place for YEARs. Adrenaline dripping and pumping, heart racing, tight throat, acid reflux, dizzy head, sleep apnea…

I think, I know, God wants to rip out these roots of fear!

But God, how can you rip out roots of fear… by putting me in a place of fear?! Right now, just riding the metro is fearful, and that’s a daily reality.

He is draining me — me. The prideful, fearfully ignorant yet knowledgeably full of shame, “I can fend for myself - and others!”, stupidly independent, angry flesh that the enemy has had a grip on for far too long.

For the real me, who God created me to be, is so humbly weak and dependent that she knows everything she does will fail, but continues forward with grace and hope in the might of her king. She is strong because she knows that her might is not her own.

I feel like I'm asking God to give me the courage to face life itself because I know that all that I’m doing here is merely life itself. But it’s so scary to me — this selfish perfectionist oozes out as I am afraid of the rejection and failed tasks and mean people and logistics that life throws at you.

My one "thing that makes me happy"

But God did not give us a spirit of fear, and while these are the depths of my thoughts and what God is asking me to look at, there are so many beauties and blessings that I can't not share. For while this was going on physically and mentally, God gave me the strength to step in and enjoy new friendships and a beautiful city. (A city that I am thankful is becoming beautiful to me again.)

I love going to babysit — pushing a stroller around the Left Bank for a few hours? Yes please! A really sweet, joyful, easy-going baby? Yes!! And yes, I have finally decided I am a Left Bank person. For those that don't know Paris, the Seine cuts the city in half, so there is the Right Bank and the Left Bank. While the Rive Droit (right), is so full of life and artisans and hip vintage trend-setters, I've found that the old couples and students of the Rive Gauche are my pace of life.

This brings up my current housing situation: I moved out of the place in the northeast of Paris, and starting November 12th, for the next three weeks will be in the apartment of the family for which I babysit, which is in the St. Germain de Près neighborhood.

Max, snoring

This has been such a restoring time. I am in a homey, warm, safe apartment, taking care of a sweet seventeen year old blind and deaf schnauzer named Max. He has given me purpose and comfort, especially when our family decided to put our dog, Kipper, down on November 28th. This senior dog has been my cuddle buddy as I've processed saying goodbye from afar.

I've been able work on restoring my physical health, as my system was quite "off" as a result of stress and therefore struggling to eat. I've been making lots of yummy chicken and pasta based variations: honey chicken, brie and apple chicken, stir fry. I have been able to hang out with a new friend Rose as we giggle over silly Christmas movies and hot chocolate.

In all of this, I continue to think of the verse from James 4:13-17: "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin."

Looking forward to what's next!

Stepping into a very unpredictable, transitional, constantly changing life as my post-graduate experience is, I think, a healthy beginning to adulthood as I am without a doubt immersed in the reality of life: that I am not in control.