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Finally caught up! This post is current.
My three posts since being here have all been a bit melancholy and gritty as I was wrestling with many deep questions and strongholds in which I had been living. I hope they were still encouraging while being honest.
That being said, I do want to note that by the second week in November, I really was doing well. I was questioning and digging into a lot, but I was doing well. And while the housing continued to be a stressor, I was not absolutely, anxiously, exhausted.
And even now, there are still so many transitions, but I am genuinely content and at peace. God is really doing a great work, as I can see how smoother transitions are becoming for me. I did not have a permanent room until January fourth, but at least I had a permanent kitchen, bathroom, and living room. Everyone from the family I moved in with was home for Christmas, so we played musical rooms for a few weeks. If this family was not so welcoming, kind, patient, warm, and gentle, this would be so very difficult. I am learning a new way of life from top to bottom. Speaking French all the time, figuring out family habits, cultural habits, where the bowls and spoons live. I try be natural and easy, but it is still a bit awkward playing the dance of when to come sit in the living room or when to join. Thankfully, they are good at communicating, so I never feel too awkward.
The biggest shift for me, besides the commute, has been their eating times. They have breakfast, then snack, then lunch, then maybe a coffee, then snack around 5/6, then dinner around 8:30/9. I’m really not used to eating this much, and this late!
The family consists of Rodolphe and Catherine, Lucas (25), Valentin (23), Pierre (21), and Marie (19). And of course, the golden retriever Epsilon and the two cats Bonnie and Bouchon. While we mainly speak French, they all know English well enough to where we can figure things out if I am lost. Valentin speaks English fluently, as in, he literally sounds American and knows all the slang. We become good buddies, partially because we get along and partially because you get to know someone more quickly when you both speak the language. We started watching Emily in Paris together, and it has been so fun to have conversations about cultural differences and American stereotypes for the French. It’s led to some really interesting topics of discussion. Now everyone has gone back to school, and it is just me and Marie in the house! It has been fun to connect more with her.
Christmas came and went, and it honestly just felt like another day. But I am thankful for that because I am learning so deeply why we have special days, and just what makes those days special. It's not the food or decorations or clothes, but family. Not having the old traditions of Christmas was odd, and yet to get away and remember that we celebrate Emmanuel, God with us, was really special. I had to friends who moved to Florence come up for the Christmas weekend, so it was fun to celebrate with them too, as we were all in the same boat of being away from our families at Christmas.
There is so much good to find. Just because it is not what you were expecting does not mean it is not good. And while, again, I pictured living *in* Paris, I have chosen to shift my mind towards all of the amazing things about this situation. My French is about to sky rocket, I am not living alone (I did really want a roommate), and now I have this sweet family who have really taken me under their wing. I do think it's funny how God has prepared me for this sudden shift into living with a French family. In October, I remember saying that I wanted to fully immerse in French… but just not yet. I said that I still needed to be able to recline back into the English armchair of comforting phrases.
Life doesn’t seem as overwhelming as it once did. There are still things that are overwhelming, inherently, like what’s next or figuring out travel logistics. But, as I look at the towns I pass on the train into Paris, I don’t feel as engulfed by that feeling of smallness. I am small, but I don’t have to live in the belief that just because I’m small I can’t step out in strength. As a result of living out of Paris, I now have a bit of a more well-rounded view of France, and ironically feel less small. As I adjust to this new life of lots of transitions and commute — walking 20 minutes to the train station for a 25 minute train into Paris, I really feel so grateful that this is my life; that I have the opportunity to walk and get exercise and just think as I sit on the train. I get to have this opportunity to grow in learning how to travel and live a commuting lifestyle that a lot of the world lives.
I’ve also begun wrapping my mind around this next year as I have had more space to think about the future that is not just “oh gosh I need to find housing.” When I went on a champagne tour in Reims in October, I loved how passionate the artisans were about their product. I still am not sure what next year will look like, but have some more ideas such as what I am passionate about or where I could see my gifts being used. I am learning deeply that God can trump any plan I make, and though I want to step out in faith, God does not always work in conventional plans. I am researching what it would look like to apply and go to graduate school in France, as well as keeping an open mind to why I would want to stay in France: connections, friends, the culture? But above all this, I know that I would want to stay because God made it clear. I think one way that would be made clear is a Christian community, for while I was going to a church and was desiring to be involved, nothing has really come to be, especially now that I live a little under two hours from the church. (I am still hoping to volunteer at least twice a month.) I am thankful for technology that connects me to encouraging and faithful friends, but I know that God also wants us in community "on the ground."
While I’ve had more time to think about the future, I have also been thankful for time to process the past couple months. I have really struggled with what it looks like to be a “tentmaker”, because I feel like I have been doing it “wrong” as I have no “results to show”, to be clerical. And while I know that this is not the heart of missions, even if I was a true, support based missionary, I just feel so… odd?... being here. I am not sure how else to describe it. When I chose to move here last June, I continued to say that I was going to be moving to France for missions, as if to validate my move, to make it real and worthy. It’s a desire to actually have a "reason" to be here. I know that some if this is mixed with pride, not wanting people to think of me as some galloping, ignorant, twenty-something. (To which I hear, "Annie, you are not here for man.") But there’s another part of it that is so valid; this desire to use the resources of time and location to honor God. I’m here right now, why?
Is it to learn French? To gain cultural understanding? To talk about Jesus? I’m not sure why I’m having a hard time accepting that it can be all three at once with no defined "end goal" other than to know Jesus' character and people more deeply.
Other Updates:
Because of my housing shift, I am not babysitting regularly (I would come back home in the dark — not safe.) It's sad but trying to use my time and resources wisely and maybe I will get back into a regular schedule once the sun sets later.
I did a barrel racing class in French — the poor guy was so kind and patient as I had no idea what he was saying; so many technical terms! Also, barrel racing??! In France?! It was quite the experience and I am hoping to do it at least one more time as it is close to where I live now. (Look up "Ranch de Saint Prix.)
I am trying to find the balance of "I'm here in Europe, travel!" and "How do I use my resources wisely." I also have learned that I like adventures but not logistics.
My favorite pastry is the Paris Brest or the Merveilleux. :)
Annie thank you so much for sharing and being real. I have just read all of your posts and wow! Just amazing. So encouraging to hear your heart and perspectives and your faith! your trust in the Lord is growing and it is inspiring.