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I never really thought I would be sending out a post from this newsletter again — actually after studying abroad in 2020 I thought this newsletter would not be used again!
But I will be returning to France this fall to start a masters program in English Literature at UGA:Université Grenoble Alpes. I leave next Monday, September 4th!
Why the return to France?
It is multifaceted, but at its core, I am returning because God has made it clear that this is my next step. I have learned deeply how God keeps us close by waiting until the 11th (or 12th…) hour to gently whisper where we should turn. (Is. 30:21) In a podcast by 10th Ave North singer Mike Donehey, he paints a great picture of how God is like the best friend in the passenger seat, waiting until the very last moment to say “turn left!!!” This keeps our hearts attentive to Him. All God wants is our heart, and without situations that require patience, we would, in our flesh, not give it to Him. We would remain ignorantly self sufficient.
How has God made it clear that this is my next step?
Two ways: my wrestle in the decision to return and logistical provisions.
As I was wrestling with the decision of what going back to France looked like (teaching in Paris again, going to school, or going back at all), I wrote this in my journal:
“I feel like I’m stuck in this round pen of theological questions, circling and tossing this way and that, running all over the pen... “This life isn’t about me, but I know God cares about my heart, but I just felt so unhealthy in Paris, but God did take care of me, but I don’t want to do that again, but I do want to go where God is calling me because I love Him, but DO I love God? I think I do.. but am I surrendering enough? What am I not surrendering? What is keeping me from Him? Can’t God see my heart wanting to obey…?” ... My head feels like a horse trying to toss its rider.”
I felt that I was going to “choose wrong”, that I was going to somehow disobey God.
I then heard/felt very clearly, “Annie, I just want your heart. That is all I want, in all of life. Your heart.”
Logistically, God has provided every step of the way. Maybe not in my timing, but in His timing that kept me close to Him. I was accepted into three schools, he provided both the time and appointment availability to travel to Houston for my visa, and my visa came within 5 days of that appointment. Lastly, housing. I will be living in a ministry house, “FEU: Foyer Evangélique Universitaire.” Phew! What a blessing, as you all saw my housing journey last year! I am also excited to have more guidance in ministry, as I will be helping with the student organization as well as other events hosted by the house.
I am not sure what else this looks like, but I cannot wait to update you more.
Why else am I returning to France?
I idolize comfort, safety, and the known. It stems out of my desire to be in control, as well as my genuine love of home. (I wrote a poem about loving home, attached at the end.)
This summer has been so beautiful. The Lord healed me from a lot of the anger that I was imprisoned by last summer, as well as really broke my heart for people. In May and June I was continually praying that the Lord would open my eyes and give me his heart for his people. And I was able to practice this every day, as I worked at a local coffeeshop again. It was cool to see how my intentions with customers were out of a heart for them, and not out of annoyance. In fact, I was able to form a sweet relationship with a few customers who could be… particular.
I loved my routine, I loved going to work, I loved not feeling ignorant and out of place all the time. I felt competent and “on top of things”, and loved being in the mountains, in my hometown.
End of July, a childhood friend passed away.
This threw me into an odd space of … why does it even matter if I go to France? Why would I leave my family and friends? I slipped back into frustration and anger as I was hurting and reverted back to a place of adolescent pain that still needs healing. I was becoming short with customers and my family, and I lost sight of the many things God taught me this past year. I began to numb and pull away from spending time with Jesus as I processed through the unfairness of a life lost so young.
It has been yet another, deeper level of learning to trust God's sovereignty. I am thankful to have begun opening the word again, reading through Lamentations and Job as I mourn yet recognize Jesus as King. While "answers" are not given, a richer knowledge of God has been formed. As I examine my heart posture going to France, I know if I don’t fully trust God, I won’t ever fully surrender to Him. While this is the "head knowledge" I am stepping forward with, I pray that my heart would soon follow.
I am still processing through this grief. I did write a poem about it (also at the end.)
God loves me.
God just wants my heart.
I should just end here. This is why I am going back to France. Because God loves me.
And because I know he loves me, he wants me to share that with his people in France. God does not need me to share his gospel, but he so graciously invites me to join. This is a link to a great page about the spiritual culture in France.
The organization itself is also great. :)
Thus the masters program. While I am excited to work towards a masters, I am excited to have a visa where I can step forward into missions with a tentmaker mindset. I am excited to learn what true trust in Him entails, and to practice daily surrendering my all to Him.
I have had a few people mention to me, “Wow, you must really like France!”
And I do really love France. It is a beautiful country with beautiful people who God loves so deeply. But this is a surrendered love, one that has been full of prayer and trust in the one who is love Himself. It is a love that is genuine and true, because it is not my own. In my "own" love, I probably would stay in the comfort of my hometown and country.
Thank you for your continued support in prayer, I am still so humbled by those who have told me they prayed for me daily last year.
Prayer Requests:
that my heart would stay close to Jesus as I meet new people and experience a whole new city and life
that my heart would be moved for the French people
the transition from the Lyon airport to the train station up to Grenoble. I will have all my bags etc. I think I am most nervous for this part!
my transition from home and final week here! So many goodbyes as well as logistics in packing and decisions on what to bring etc.
my first couple weeks in France — figuring out classes and buildings and what ministry looks like. I have no idea what school looks like in France
a job— I can work 20 hours a week on this visa
Why I am returning to France:
because God has made it clear it is my next step (visa app, getting into school, providing)
because I idolize comfort and safety and the known
to spread the gospel
to continue working on my French
to get a masters degree!
Also, one last note. I love how the photo for this post ended up being me with Sport (a horse at Wind River Ranch). The round pen is a place of growth for both horse and rider, and I have learned so much about trust and courage while working in the pen. But that is a whole other horsey post for another time.
Poems!
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