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When I returned from England, I was, to be quite franc, ready to leave France. (I apologize for that etymological joke.) The cultural differences were extremely draining, and while, yes, I had been put into a pressure cooker of culture that week, it did not nullify the areas of difference that had been depleting me since my arrival. I do not think this means one cannot live in a country with distinct habits, but that there just might be values or habits to which you align with and flourish in more. But in the end, God surpasses it all, as He gives us the tools to step into any circumstance or culture. And I am so thankful for this past year and the courage He has given me to step forward into a culture that is not my own.
As a result, I was very ready to go home when I returned April 7th. But it was not just frustration with French culture, for I knew in many ways I was going to miss many wonderful aspects of this way of life. (The love of family, passion for their culture, taste for beauty.) It was, at its core, a desire to “skip over” this transition. To part and just already be home. No goodbyes, no packing up, no “we're almost there". Just, home, I just want to already be home.
I realized this can be my outlook on life a lot; this, "Ah God I just wanna be home! I just wanna be with you already! Can we just skip this?”
No... God created transitions with a purpose. He created seasons, he created our bodies with transitions, every living thing goes through cycles and transitions. There is no skipping that.
It’s almost like a juxtaposition to His unchanging ways, His consistent character.
Even as I knew this truth, I tried to avoid the transition. What helped me navigate it was diving headfirst into Paris with a friend from college. Showing her favorite spots, exploring new spots together, and all of the in-betweens: conversation and listening. Spending a week in Paris with a friend who was so easy to be around helped me truly love Paris again. The sun and the green helped too.
I began to imagine what it would look like to be back in Paris, and it felt doable, possible, something I could picture. But... I cannot just set aside the fact that this city was extremely draining for me. Just the sheer amount of people sapped my introvert and nature-loving self. This did often depend on the week, and if I was in a healthy space or not.
I am now approaching this upcoming year very prayerfully, as I recognize that week with my friend was also easy and refreshing was because of who I was with, not where I was. I think we could have made anywhere interesting, just because the two of us so loved being interested. I wrote about relationships in my post from February, realizing that places are more beautiful with human connection.
I am so thankful for the relationships that God has brought into my life, and that even though they may not all be present with me, technology connects us. I know that God will provide for my relational needs in the future because He is a good father and loves to give good gifts to His children.
One last thought I am leaving France with is the attitude of "je ne sais quoi" — this "esprit de vivre" that people have tried to bottle up in 12 step how-to posts. Much like the baguette, this is one stereotype I have found to be quite accurate, at least within the Paris area.
"Je ne sais quoi" means "I don't know", but the attitude of which I speak is that classic effortless elegance. You could follow the "12 steps" with what simple brands to wear, how to keep it natural, and how to do self-care, but the reality is that this esprit de vivre, this spirit of living, is something that does not strive. The laid-back simple grace of dad sneakers and fluffy hair is beautiful because they are confident and love their natural, authentic selves. (Chunky New Balance sneakers that your dad mows the lawn in are *en mode* right now.)
The one thing missing in this "esprit" is
Jesus, (especially when this attitude turns to judgment and pride towards others.) True, simple confidence comes from a right relationship with Jesus, knowing that, no mater what hair or perfume or style you wear, a beautiful person is one who is at home with who God has made them. This beauty then overflows into interactions, and it is so refreshing to be around someone who is so thankful for who God made them. I believe that God still asks us to take the time to present ourselves well, but because we love who God made us, not because we were striving for something.
"I have been called, having been loved by God the Father and kept by Jesus Christ." (Jude 1)
I’ve realized that part of this attitude is seeing yourself as worth being listening to. My relationship with this concept fluctuates, which, being a perfectionist who wants to be steady, I have to remind myself that it is natural when being human.
The body that God put me in can make it difficult to be taken seriously, at least I think. I think of the verse from 1 Timothy 4 a lot when it comes to looking young and small. I am continuing to lean into the knowledge that how I appear does not affect how God listens to me; He gives me all wisdom and all knowledge. I have nothing to prove.
Some Final Thoughts...
Thank you again for your prayers and support from afar. I know that there are people who have been faithfully lifting me up, and I have seen the fruits of those prayers such when I have had bold conversations about faith with the family I live with.
Je vais vous tenez au courant! I will keep you all updated with my next steps for this upcoming fall. Even though I could have stayed in France until August, I thought it best to go home and earn money if I was thinking of returning next year. For the time being, my flight home is May 17th, and I will be working at a coffeeshop and backcountry guiding company.
Be praying for my transition home as I return to the "known."
Bisous 💌
I love reading these! A highlight of my day. Praying for these things. :)